What now?

So I had another u/s and lab Monday and my HCG levels rose to 26,374 and no surprise but still no baby. So now we know there is officially no baby or anything in the sac what's next?

I had a doctors appointment Monday as well and Dr. Denson feels it would be best to try and pass it on my own without a D&C. The sac is so small he feels the risk of D&C and messing with the cervix (especially in my case with incompetent cervix) would be unwise. I told him I just don't want this dragging out for weeks.  I stopped all my meds progesterone and estradiol.

I had another HCG drawn Wednesday and it dropped to 21,000 something. So maybe things are moving along. I had a blood clot and gush of blood Tuesday night but nothing since then and I feel like from my miscarriages in the past it just wasn't enough to be done.

So I have an appointment on Monday to see if anything has passed and if not he'll probably give me cytotec to get things moving. I used cytotec the last time and hated it. I didn't think it was working and did another dose and one of the pills fell out and I thought it might've been one of the babies.  They wanted me to try and collect the products of conception to test for genetic problems so I was just stressed the entire time. Awful!

This time might not be so bad since we already know this was a genetic issue so no need to try and collect anything. Let's hope things happen soon. It's already been almost a week and not much has happened in the passing/ miscarrying department.

So we sit and wait... As you can see waiting is a HUGE part of IVF and infertility. But thank goodness we have this sweet little boy to help us find joy in this difficult journey. He is our world and we love him more than life! 

In the meantime we are getting papers going to get our other 11 frozen embryos transferred to Dr. Conway office here in Idaho Falls. 

No baby...

I was a ball of nerves all morning. I told Neal I don't know if I want to know. I was teary and didn't want to hear the worst.

Went and got labs then headed for U/S at Denson's office. Dr. Pam Denson did the u/s and I could tell instantly there was nothing in the sac. It was bigger than last time but it was just a black hole.

She told us it would appear to be a blighted ovum but she can't medically document that until the sac is 2 mm. Mine is 1.28mm. So she said to come back next week and do another u/s and then talk with Dr. Nick afterwards.

My HCG levels are now 13,850. Dr. Pam said those levels are higher than she expected with what we saw. So we will do another labs next week with the u/s.

So it's dragging out another week. I'm sure next week we will see nothing and then we can finally get closure and decide if we do a D&C or what not.

So lots of tears shed, what else can you do when you hear the news you dreaded hearing.  It's hard, and definitely not what I was hoping for but we will be OK but for now I will cry, eat my chocolate and go on a shopping spree.

Again I will probably shut down for awhile and please don't be offended if I don't comment or respond to texts, emails, etc. I'm just working through my grief. We so appreciate all the love and support from all of you during this process and can feel comfort and peace through the prayers said in our behalf.  

But if not..

My good friend emailed me this general conference talk and it was just what I needed to read. It's called "But if Not"

Here's a little snippet:

"...Take comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could. Such faith, fasting, and blessing could not be in vain! That your child did not recover in spite of all that was done in his behalf can and should be the basis for peace and reassurance to all who love him! The Lord—who inspires the blessings and who hears every earnest prayer—called him home nonetheless. All the experiences of prayer, fasting, and faith may well have been more for our benefit than for his.

How, then, should we approach the throne of grace as we plead earnestly for a loved one and place hands upon her head to give a blessing by priesthood authority? How do we properly exercise our faith? The Prophet Joseph Smith defined that first principle of the gospel as “faith in the Lord Jesus Christ” (A of F 1:4; emphasis added). It is that defining phrase—“in the Lord Jesus Christ”—that we sometimes forget. Too often we offer our prayer or perform our administration and then wait nervously to see whether our request will be granted, as though approval would provide needed evidence of His existence. That is not faith! Faith is, quite simply, aconfidence in the Lord. In Mormon’s words, it is “a firm mind in every form of godliness” (Moro. 7:30; emphasis added). The three Hebrew magistrates expressed trust that the Lord would deliver them from the fiery furnace, “but if not,” they said to the king, “we [still] will not serve thy gods” (Dan. 3:18; emphasis added). Significantly, not three but four men were seen in the midst of the flames, and “the form of the fourth [was] like the Son of God” (Dan. 3:25)"

So as I've read this talk I've changed my prayers to pleading for a miracle and that we see a baby in there tomorrow and then adding in but if not I will still trust in your plan for us and will continue to have faith in whatever the outcome may be and find comfort in knowing you're hearing my prayers. God has the power to grant me a miracle but if the answer is no I still know He loves me and has a plan for me.

Here's the link to the whole talk. 
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/10/but-if-not?lang=eng

It's been an emotionally draining week. I started spotting a pinkish/red Wednesday night and have had a tiny bit every day since but it's been brown which isn't as nerve wracking as red. I'd rather not have any at all. So tomorrow we will find out. I hope will all my heart we get a miracle and there is a strong healthy baby growing in there. But if not, things will be ok. 

First u/s and more HCG levels

First of all, I want to thank everyone of you for your kind words, comments, texts, emails, prayers and love. Please know although I'm not in a place emotionally to respond to all of them they have meant a lot and made me cry and realize how blessed I am. I read every single comment. Please know how grateful I am. 

So today draaaaagggged on. I called first thing this morning to schedule my u/s and had to wait for a call back.

Dr. Denson thought it'd be better to go to an imaging place with a better u/s machine and that way a radiologist could review the report.

So they sent an order and I scheduled for 2pm then realized I better see if they were in my insurance network. They weren't so I had to reschedule to EIRMC at 3:30.

Went and got labs drawn around 11 and Dr. Denson office called around 1:30 with the results. They are now 2,277---They more than doubled! I was shocked. So then I got hopeful... But I know better than to be excited since we've had our fair share of disappoint and loss.

Neal was able to go with me to the u/s and they did an abdominal and transvaginal. I couldn't see the screen during the transvag so I was looking at Neal's face trying to read it and decipher his facials--if there was any baby or any sign of pregnancy in there. I had nothing his face was confusing so I finally just asked. Is there anything in there?

The u/s tech told us there was no sign of ectopic pregnancy (so that's good) and there was a small sac in the uterus measuring 4 weeks 6 days but she couldn't see anything in it. I asked if it could be a blighted ovum and she said it could but it could also progress. It's hard to say this early on.

Drove to Denson's office since they wanted to see me after u/s and spoke with my nurse LeAnn on the way there told her what they saw and she said the same thing it isn't great that I'm measuring behind but there is still a little chance things will progress. It's not super likely but we won't know until we keep checking. I asked her if it's possible to have a delayed implantation that would cause me to measure behind. She said not really because my first beta HCG was so strong. But she said to be cautiously optimistic.

Dr. Denson (well we saw his wife who is also an OBGYN) who went over the results and said that the HCG levels today with what they saw on u/s was what you'd expect and to do u/s next week to see how things go. But I should be 5 weeks 5 days so I'm measuring about a week behind. So foe me things still don't look great and I'm just planning for a loss so I don't get hurt as bad. Its a defensive mechanism. First I shut down, then I cry until I have no more tears, and right now I'm in more of an anger stage.

So that is where we are at. I go in for another u/s and lab next Tuesday and we will see if there is any growth or progression.

So here's to another awful hellish week of waiting in anxiety. Haha.

Still praying for our miracle. Although this all just stinks. I still know God is aware of me and loves me.

I prayed and pretty much cried all day Saturday that I would get a miracle and as I poured out my heart I prayed  I really don't think I can go through another loss again... and please I'm begging you, don't make me go through this....let us give Grayson a sibling....

I was able to attend a session in the temple Saturday and I opened to the scripture D&C 58:2-5 two times while I was there. So it has to be an answer right? I read it - and it honestly made me mad a little bit. I didn't want the answer that the time was not yet.  But as I re-read it I realize that God's ways are not always our ways and He truly knows what is best for us.

D&C 58: 2-5

2 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

 3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

 4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

 5 Remember this, which I tell you before, that you maylay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.

So here we go another week down and another week waiting anxiously to see what's in store.