Well let's just put it out there the last few months have been HARD.
I got my milk in, my boobs have continued to leak, I bled until early September which I felt like was way too long, had some stinky discharge so I went on an antibiotic because I had some kind of infection had some severe cramping and a few days later passed a piece of retained placenta, (probably why I was having those other symptoms), been incredibly emotional and on edge...I have leveled out quite a bit since stopping birth control and changing up my antidepressant .
My sister had her sweet daughter Reese Maci 2 weeks after Maci and Neal's sister had her sweet daughter Naomi Jewel August 31, my older sister got sealed to their sweet adopted daughter Remi, my nephew got baptized and Reese and Naomi were blessed. These have been things that have happened which are joyful moments but also a little hard for me as well. I had a good breakdown one weekend-- ok let's be honest I have had a lot of good breakdowns the last few months. Some I had to get up and leave sacrament meeting for, others in the car driving home, to my visiting teacher and some just as I feel asleep in bed, just to name a few.
I met with Dr. Denson who said my options moving forward would be to do an abdominal cerclage or a gestational carrier (a surrogate who would carry my babies for me). I figured since my deductible and out of pocket are pretty much met that I would go ahead and do the abdominal cerclage just in case I ever wanted to even consider trying to carry one of my babies again.
An Abdominal cerclage is pretty much the same thing as a cervical cerclage except they go in through your abdomen and are able to place the stitch much higher up on the cervix. The stitch is permanent and I would have to have a c-section anytime past 14 weeks.
I saw Dr. Conway ( my IVF doctor) who also said that my two options were the abdominal cerclage or gestational carrier. She said she would give us a discount on the biopsy of our embryos to have them tested so that we have the best chances moving forward. She said she would have the person in charge of their genetic carriers be in touch with me so I could find out all the info needed before making a decision. She said to ask Dr. Denson the efficacy of the abdominal cerclage in a case like mine as well.
I had an u/s early September to see if I had any more retained placenta pieces since I had still been bleeding and wouldn't you know the day I go in is the day I stopped bleeding...figures.
I met with Dr. Denson again beginning of October to what I thought was going to be to schedule the abdominal cerclage procedure when instead I was told that from my u/s in September my cervical length is only 2.5cm which is shorter than most. He told me he'd be willing to do the procedure still but that we would only be getting 1/2 a cm higher up than the stitch that was placed when I was pregnant with Maci, which he felt might not give us the more time we would need and may end in the same outcome as with Maci. He said if my cervix we 3-4 cm it'd be a different story but he feels that with what happened last time that we may not get the few extra weeks we'd need. Of course it's up to Neal and I if we want this done and Dr. Denson would be willing to do it but now that I know this I'm a little shattered and feel even more broken. It's hard knowing it's my body that has caused my children to not be able to stay here longer. I'm not beating myself up because I know I can't control or help this and I know Heavenly Father has a plan for my warrior children and us. IT was always to be this way, I truly believe that. But that doesn't mean it's easy.
Hearing this news made me know deep down I would never be carrying my own babies inside me again. If I want to give my children the best chance of getting here and staying here it will not be through me. THAT HAS BEEN REALLY HARD TO TAKE IN. It seems so final but how grateful I am that we still have our 10 frozen embabies and still have a chance to have biological children just not through me carrying them.
Although we were already considering gestational carriers as I means to get our babies here-- I now know this is the only way to get our kids here. I'm emotional just thinking of the sacrifice it will be for someone else to carry our baby. It's a hard thing to ask of anyone. It's the ultimate in love, charity and selflessness. So to whoever our gestational carrier ends up being please know we are praying for you, we love you, and we are eternally grateful beyond what any words can express.
So now we will save and save and save all the money we can to have our embryos tested ($5,000) and to have some angel woman carry our child ($13,000-$40,000 depending on certain things). I'm sure it will be a process and I'm guessing it will be awhile before we can do anything due the whole $ thing. But we will keep trusting, believing, and moving forward in our knowledge that there are no coincidences and miracles still exist, sometimes not in the way we usually think of miracles but they are miracles nonetheless.
From this last general conference Elder Rasband said:
Dear Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin spoke of an occasion when President Thomas S. Monson said to him: “There is a guiding hand above all things. Often when things happen, it’s not by accident. One day, when we look back at the seeming coincidences of our lives, we will realize that perhaps they weren’t so coincidental after all.”7
The Lord’s hand is guiding you. By “divine design,” He is in the small details of your life as well as the major milestones. As it says in Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; … and he shall direct thy paths.”2
and Elder Halstrom:
defining a miracle as “a beneficial event brought about through divine power that mortals do not understand”2 gives an expanded perspective into matters more eternal in nature. This definition also allows us to contemplate the vital role of faith in the receipt of a miracle.
Today I testify of miracles. Being a child of God is a miracle.9Receiving a body in His image and likeness is a miracle.10 The gift of a Savior is a miracle.11 The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a miracle.12The potential for eternal life is a miracle.13
While it is good to pray for and work for physical protection and healing during our mortal existence, our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all of God’s children
