Friday, July 29, 2016

3rd pregnancy test (HCG Levels)

Had labs done today and unfortunately I don't have great news. My HCG levels are only 897. They should be near the 2000 range.

My nurse LeAnn said that Dr. Robins is afraid it may be ectopic and so I will go in for u/s on Monday to see if I have a uterine pregnancy or not.  I am concerned it may also be a blighted ovum (a pregnancy that has a gestational sac but no baby grows in it). Of course there is a small chance everything is fine but I'm not counting on it.

So it was definitely a blow to hear and I'm preparing myself for the worst on Monday. Many tears have been shed or more accurately sobbing has been done to the point of not being  able to breathe and sucking in breath.  The ugly cry.

I just don't understand God's plan and it's so hard. My heart aches and I feel broken.
I would greatly appreciate prayers and please don't be offended if I don't respond to messages. I kind of go numb and shut down for awhile so I can process everything.

I'll keep you posted on Monday. Who  knows maybe there will be a baby and a normal uterine pregnancy. I can always hope for a miracle.

Love to you all ❤

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

So much anxiety...

I have been pretty emotional over here. I have this anxiety and I hate it.  I want so bad to be excited and have the faith that all will work out, but then my overactive mind jumps in going circles around past experiences.

I started bleeding and having clots my first round of IVF around 5 weeks but then it stopped then started up again around 6 weeks and I lost the baby around 6 weeks 3 days. I started having those same symptoms my second round of IVF around 6 weeks and lost the babies ( I was pregnant with twins) at 6 weeks 5 days.  But I've had no bleeding and no more spotting to date.

So I am taking it super easy and trying to keep my mind from going to dark places. I keep telling myself there are many things we are doing different this round and they did find that polyp too. It's much better for me to stay distracted so I've tried to plan little things everyday so I'm not just sitting at home having panic attacks.

Yesterday I had a big meltdown with my mom and I voiced my fears and you know what? After I did I felt much better.  I set up my first OB appt for 8 weeks and I think that triggered my meltdown. The last 2 times I've done IVF I've set the first appt up to make sure I got in soon and ended up having to cancel them. I don't want that to happen this time. I pray it doesn't.

So I decided to forego my first 2 scheduled u/s and will instead be doing labs to check progesterone and HCG levels the next two Fridays and will do labs and u/s on 8/9 (6 weeks 6 days) and 8/16 (7w6d). I just don't want to disrupt anything sooner than I need to. As much as I would love to see my little yolk this week I'd rather be safe and not irritate my cervix.

So I will update ya'll on Friday and again thank you for your prayers. I feel so blessed and I know deep down (even on my darkest thought days) God is over all and He loves me and my family and knows what is best for us.

Friday, July 22, 2016

2nd pregnancy test


So they want your HCG levels to double within 48-72 hrs. My result today was 388 so it didn't quite double. Wednesday my HCG was 222 so it almost did.

I am trying not to freak out. Last time I did a 1 embryo FET (frozen transfer) My level went from 218 to 723. But that ended in a miscarriage at 6.5 weeks so maybe it's a good sign that things are different this time.

My nurse LeAnn reassured me the HCG levels rose appropriately and they like to see at least a 60% rise and mine was 74%

She said they have u/s and labs scheduled for next 4 weeks starting Friday 5/29 at 5 weeks 2 days but I asked her I could maybe wait and do the first u/s at 6 weeks or later as I tend to spot after u/s and don't want to cause anything to happen to my little babe although she assured me u/s shouldn't cause miscarriage. I am trying to be extra cautious. I just want this baby to stick around this time.

Please keep praying for us and our baby to grow and stay in there.

Ultimately I know whatever happens with this little baby of mine is what the Lord wants. I trust God and His plan for our family.

We are so humbled by the outpouring of love and prayers we receive and I know they are what is keeping me at feeling at peace. We love you all and wish we could hug every single one of you. We pray for you too and thank our Father in Heaven for the blessing of your prayers in our behalf. ❤

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

First Pregnancy Test


So I actually have been so anxious this last week. Any twinge, cramp or anything sent me spinning. I had some brown spotting Sunday and Monday that made me have a meltdown. I know spotting is common with IVF and I've had it every time I've done it but it's been different every time. So it's hard for me to know if it's a good thing or bad thing.

I woke up having to pee and laid there thinking and kept going back and forth debating if I should do an at home pregnancy test. I finally couldn't hold it any longer and decided to pee in a cup so that if I decided to test later I could. I told Neal after he woke up what I had done and he offered to test for me since I get anxiety attacks with pregnancy test.

I was upstairs getting Grayson breakfast and came down and noticed the cup had moved. I asked "Neal did you test it?"
 N:"Yeah, do you want to know?"
Me:"I don't know, do I?"
N: "yeah you do, you're pregnant!" With a huge grin.

It was so nice not having the stress of waiting for the test results. He's the best of the best.

My blood HCG is: 222 (they like anything above 50 and said that it's a good strong BFP (BIG FAT POSITIVE) and my progesterone is 16 (they like it at least 8 or 9)

I test again Friday to make sure it at least doubles and is a viable pregnancy.

We are cautiously excited. It's so hard to be fully all-in joyful because we've had so many losses especially early on with the last 2 IVF rounds. So please don't judge if you see us in person and we don't act over the moon.

We are so very grateful and humbled by all the prayers and support and we would love if you would continue to pray for us and our baby to stay in there and get comfy for a long while.

God is so good. How grateful we are that He is answering our prayers.

Love to you all! ❤

Friday, July 15, 2016

Labs and the 2 week wait

So since transfer I've had one set of labs Friday to check progesterone and estrogen levels. All good. My progesterone is 16 and they want at least a 10.

I've had all sorts of crazy anxietal and emotional bouts with a few hopeful excited ones scattered in. I'm cautiously optimistic.

I'm so Sorry to my family around me that has to deal with my ups and downs and gets the short end of the stick by being on the end of outbursts. It makes me feel so embarrassed and bad when I overreact. So many apologies if you've been on the bad end of my outbursts. I love you and just know it's out if being anxious and not knowing how to handle my emotions.

I've been bloated (progesterone shots at work) and trying to take it easy drink lots of water, and keep my mind off of obsessing over if it worked or not. Not easily done.

It's weird for me to think that I have this tiny ball of cells that will (hopefully) turn into a baby bouncing around in me until it cozies in. At least I picture it bouncing around like a pinball machine I'm absolutely positive that is not what happens it probably more floats than bounces but I like the visual of it bouncing around having fun and being excited to become a baby that I will carry for 9 months. 

I find out on Wednesday July 20 with a blood test if this little embaby of ours took or not. Bur for now I'm PUPO! (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)

 I'm sure it will be positive since the other 2 IVF cycles all embryos have implanted. But then doubt creeps in and says "what if is the one that actually won't"'s a back and forth thing all day long. Then I get anxious for the after the BFP (Big FAT Postitive) result and how about a month later I miscarried with my other 2 IVF rounds so I'm hoping this will work (we removed a polyp, I'm taking some more vitamins, metformin, essential oil, and this tincture) so things are at least different than the last 2 times. 

Anyway welcome to my thoughts. It literally is this same thing every single day just going round and round in circles. Welcome to the awful, dragged out TWO WEEK WAIT! (Technically 9 days) So tonight we will go on a date and get my mind off things.

Transfer Day

We drove up to Spokane on Saturday and had our little embaby transferred on Monday July 11.
Had Sunday morning labs at 7. My progesterone and estrogen levels were good and they called me with my transfer time and instructions.

At 9:30am empty bladder and then drink 32 oz of water by 10am and check in at 11:30 for transfer at  noon. Don't wear any perfume or smells of any kind and eat as normal.

So Monday morning comes and I follow my instructions and in between drinking and checking in I made Neal run to target with me (since ours here is crappy) and then we stopped at General Store for Neal and by then I had to pee something fierce! I could hardly walk it was so bad.

Made it to the office without peeing myself (barely) and they let me empty some of my bladder which felt so good. Then I got in my sweet outfit, my nurse LeAnn checked to make sure my bladder was full enough and  went over the after transfer instructions of no aerobic exercise, sex, overheating, dehydrating, no alcohol or caffeine and stay on meds and gave me my lab orders then Dr Robins came in and chatted with us and gave us a pic of our little embaby.

Karen (another assistant there who gives the best hugs) stuck her head in and gave me a hug and said tell Dr. Robins to put some super glue in there let's make this one stick longer!

Nurse came back and took me to the room and I laid down and they rechecked my bladder and got me all set up in the stirrups and Dr. Robins prepped my cervix and such and put the catheter in. My nurse LeAnn is next to me on one side chatting with me and has the tummy u/s probe on so we can see my bladder and uterus so Dr. Robins can see where he is putting the catheter.

The embryologist came in from the room next door and ID'd me and showed me my embryo on the screen then we watched him suck it up in the catheter and he brought it in, Dr. Robins took it and then we watched on the u/s machine. I see a white line on the u/s screen they tell me it's the catheter and then a tiny little flash of white and it is in!

Dr Robins handed the catheter back to the embryologist who takes it to the room next door to make sure my embryo is in me and wasn't stuck in the catheter still. He yells clear. And Dr. Robins removes the speculum and such.

He comes over and says OK let's hope this is it! They let me get up right afterwards and go pee and get dressed.  (They used to have you lay flat for 20 min but they said all that did was make people more anxious and if it's going to work it's going to no matter if you take it easy 3 days or resume almost normal activity (besides the stuff they said to not do.)Then Neal and I walked out of the office together into the bright sunny day hopeful this is it. 

We now leave this in Heavenly Father's hands. We have done all we can and now it is up to Him on what transpires next. 

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Last labs and u/s

Had my last labs and u/s yesterday and everything is looking good!

My lining did good and didn't go getting too thick on me! We are still at 11 mm.  Woot Woot! So everything is good and ready for little baby embryo to cozy into! Eekk!

We are now only 4 days away from transfer! It's starting to really hit me now. Especially since we had some big medicine changes. I stopped the Lupron and started up the booty shots of Progesterone. 

We head to Spokane Saturday for early morning labs on Sunday and then will find out Sunday what time we are to be there for transfer on Monday! They thaw our little embryo the morning of transfer and take a picture of that bundle of cells that we get to bring home with us. All of my transfers have been frozen embryo transfers (FET) because I overstimulated after each retrieval and couldn't ever do a fresh transfer. It's pretty amazing what they can do these days!

Medrol 1x day for 5 days
Doxycycline 2x a day for 5 days
Estrace 2mg 8 am -  8pm
Progesterone shot 1 mg at night
Baby aspirin
Folic acid
Omega 3/ vit D
Metformin 500mg 2x a day

Herbs/Natural stuff I'm trying:
Red raspberry leaf
Vit E 2x a day
Vit C
Millennia oil rubbed on abdomen and under right ankle bone. 2x a day

Now let me ramble some. I am super hopeful this is the one and given that 2 for 2 transfers I have gotten pregnant I'm pretty secure in feeling I will get pregnant this round too. The thing  I really worry about is if I can make it past 7 weeks without miscarrying. And then if I do getting to 12 weeks and then stitching my cervix (due to my past pre-term labor with Jayden) and then getting past 23 weeks (how far I was with Jayden) and just being able to have a healthy full-term baby that I actually get to bring home.  I'm pretty sure I'll just be a ball of nerves the whole pregnancy.

I'm not going to say I'm all optimistic and positive cause in reality I'm anxious, nervous, scared. But I do have hope and faith that I truly have done EVERYTHING in my power to get this baby here. It is no longer in my hands. I have to fully trust in God and that's hard for my controlling personality to do. :)

I just wanted to once again thank everyone for your kind loving thoughts, prayers and support. I truly feel them. I am so incredibly beyond grateful I have the friends I do {those I've met and those I have yet to meet}. Wish I could hug every single one of you. I'll try and update as soon as I can after transfer.  xoxo-Until Monday! 

Sunday, July 3, 2016

More Labs and U/S

Had more labs and u/s on Thursday.

My endometrial lining is now 11mm so that is great! They want it at least 7mm so yay! 🎉

I've never had issues with my lining being thin which is a relief. But I asked my nurse can it be too thick? She said it can but that I was 13-14mm the last 2 transfers and that's fine but it's when it gets up to 18mm or so that they worry. So little endometrial lining of mine you're doing good just don't go getting too thick on me!

Labs look good.

And other good news is I've had no hot flashes the last few days. 🙌 💃

Estrace 2mg 8 am -3pm-  8pm
Lupron shot 5 units 8:30pm
Baby aspirin
Folic acid
Omega 3/ vit D
Metformin 500mg 2x a day

Herbs/Natural stuff I'm trying:
Red raspberry leaf
Vit E
Vit A
Vit C
Millennia oil rubbed on abdomen and under right ankle bone. 2x a day

Have one last labs and U/S on July 6th and then we head to Spokane Saturday for labs Sunday and transfer on Monday. It's coming so quick.

I'm excited because I'm pretty positive I'll get pregnant because the last two IVF rounds I did. But I'm also anxious because those also ended in miscarriage around 6.5 weeks. But that's why I'm trying  a few different things and we also found that polyp so I'm hyping myself up saying "3rd times the charm" and trying to not let my fears and anxiety overwhelm me. It's such a roller coaster but I've done all I possibly can and the rest I leave in our loving capable Heavenly Father's hands. I know what I so desperately long for but He knows what is best and I trust Him. His will be done. So I hope what I want is also His will this time around. 😉

Thank you for your prayers. I feel them and I know they are helping me stay  positive and optimistic and sane. Love you my sweet friends. I have been so buoyed up with all your love. Thank you my heart is filled with ❤❤❤.