Friday, July 29, 2016

3rd pregnancy test (HCG Levels)

Had labs done today and unfortunately I don't have great news. My HCG levels are only 897. They should be near the 2000 range.

My nurse LeAnn said that Dr. Robins is afraid it may be ectopic and so I will go in for u/s on Monday to see if I have a uterine pregnancy or not.  I am concerned it may also be a blighted ovum (a pregnancy that has a gestational sac but no baby grows in it). Of course there is a small chance everything is fine but I'm not counting on it.

So it was definitely a blow to hear and I'm preparing myself for the worst on Monday. Many tears have been shed or more accurately sobbing has been done to the point of not being  able to breathe and sucking in breath.  The ugly cry.

I just don't understand God's plan and it's so hard. My heart aches and I feel broken.
I would greatly appreciate prayers and please don't be offended if I don't respond to messages. I kind of go numb and shut down for awhile so I can process everything.

I'll keep you posted on Monday. Who  knows maybe there will be a baby and a normal uterine pregnancy. I can always hope for a miracle.

Love to you all ❤


  1. I feel heartbroken for you Angie. Continued prayers, holding out for a miracle and sending love.

  2. Angie, I'm so sorry. I'll be praying extra hard for a miracle tonight. What an emotional roller coaster.

  3. Everything is gonna be ok sweet girl.

  4. My daughter Kellie has struggled with infertility and I know it is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you are going through all this.
    I don't know if it will help, but I loved Elder Renlund's talk from the last conference. It may be of some comfort. Here is a quote from it.
    "The sacrament truly helps us know our Savior. It also reminds us of His innocent suffering. If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God. In this respect, I am grateful that life is not fair.
    At the same time, I can emphatically state that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, ultimately, in the eternal scheme of things, there will be no unfairness. “All that is unfair about life can be made right.” Our present circumstances may not change, but through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for. We are promised that “God shall wipe away all tears from [our] eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”

    May God bless you in your struggle.

    Xoxo Kathleen

  5. Sweet Angie and Neal, I am so sorry to hear of this disheartening development and for all the heartache you are going through. I cannot understand any outcome other than what you desire with all your be parents again. I have been going through heartache as well, and I read Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4 many times this last week, trying to accept with difficulty what God is communicating. It reads:

    3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
    4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

    I felt comforted that He KNOWS we cannot see His design or comprehend what we are called to pass through. He does not expect that of you or of any of us when we are in our deepest agonies of life, when the suffering is so deep and we are using every reserve of spiritual and emotional energy to simply hang on and endure our "dark nights of the soul". All we know so often on Earth is not any purpose in the midst of trials, but only the pain (we are called upon to bear sometimes just staggering and monumental amounts of pain!). For the worst trials, we are in so much pain we actually could care less about there being any grand purpose being accomplished by our sufferings. I doubt the hero of any story feels very heroic when they are in the "trenches" of trying to conquer the battle. The Savior surely did not focus on thinking of His own heroism in the midst of that long unimaginable night in Gethsemane. You are not thinking of yourselves either, but are filled with all the love you are overflowing with in your grief that you wanted to pour into your child and family. Those called upon to suffer are just feeling the fatigue and pain of an all-consuming battle of spirit. It is for the angels, I suppose, to have the task of recording the love we manifest and depth of soul and faith we "win" and obtain in our "battle" when we plead with the Lord to give strength to carry on when we feel we can't or don't want to, and exercise all our reserves of faith in our extremity to not drown in defeat. I further suppose it the great privilege of your Father and Savior which they reserve to themselves to be the Ones to personally tell you (at our reunion with them after this life?) of your greatness in fulfilling your mission, His design, plan and purpose, and what those "un-understandings" are revealed to be. He must want you to be with Him when He tells you the great purpose you were fulfilling with your sacrifices and burdens to shoulder. He must want to deliver the answers to the "why's" of our life's greatest pains personally...and with great love. I feel that full peace and understandings must come or be understood only at that time. Richard G. Scott's talk "Trust in the Lord" is one that is so touching me lately with the Savior's tender spirit of working through our lives and trials with us.

  6. But for this week, I read that scripture and I simply sat with the words, letting myself just accept them in. I am still sitting with those words, trying to internalize them...which seem so straightforward, and ask for our trust in Him, but don't reveal the answers or explanations we seek. That part is so challenging, and tests us to the utmost. I may not see the purpose in my trials, and certainly cannot see any purpose to two such amazing parents being so incredibly discouraged in their efforts to bring children to a most loving home when it is the greatest and most noble and righteous desire of heart. It makes no earthly sense to me for the kindest of people to suffer, especially when the goals are so worthy and joy so central to your such well-deserved happiness. So when I see no purpose, and we move out past/beyond earthly reasons or understandings, there is just faith His words only, and perhaps just a glimmer of hope that we WILL understand one day. But since that day is NOT today (when no easy answers seem evident or available about His plan or design), nor should it be today....because even if there IS a God-known purpose it has little bearing right now on how broken you feel and the weight of anxiety, disappointment or grieving you are called to bear....which I believe He recognizes and has unending empathy for, and does not fault you for not seeing His design, so I hope you will not spend one moment berating yourself for not seeing a plan in something so painful. He does not ask that of you as an additional burden to puzzle out. He can explain His purposes and designs later, but right now comforting your heart will be His most pressing and important priority and work instead. He only wants to provide comfort in such a painful time.

  7. In my life, He has proven to be a most faithful friend that gratefully seems to never put off responding when we need Him day-to-day in our pleadings. His presence is nearest to us as we suffer, although those times I rarely "hear" anything of answers or words or explanations of His designs. I feel a feeling only the best of friends have a talent for, sometimes I feel Him saying nothing at all, not even trying to explain, because that is not that relevant or helpful in the moment anyway because the pain is so excruciating, but just BEING with me....feeling right along with me. I really believe the Savior chose to accomplish the Atonement to feeeel our heart's aches right along with us when indescribable pain is at its most raw, ragged and heartrending. The most gifted friends often say nothing when no words can touch such griefs, but will be a faithful presence and reach healing hands out to hold or comfort you as you manage your pain. There is no moment that He will not grieve along with you, and feel the ache in your heart in His own tender heart too. You both are so soooo good and pure and righteous, and I know every blessing will be yours in His design and timing. In the meantime, in your heartache and grief, please know you are loved and remembered and watched over every moment...and there is no "right way" to bear a load of grief of that depth. We will all pray that you can do it at all, and send our love and faith and strength in a moment of "un-understanding" as we grieve with you. I will trust the Savior is the only fit companion to walk this heartbreaking stretch of your life's path alongside know your hearts, and to feel along with you, and to provide a measure of relief that you might continue to bear the unbearable. I am so sorry for your hurting hearts, and right now they are all that God or anyone who loves you cares about. May they be comforted by your Savior and Healer, and be reassured again of His love for your beautiful family and His mindfulness of every feeling of you're experiencing. May His calming spirit comfort you every minute. Your beautiful spirits are so much like what I imagine His to be, that your company with one another is something that is evidently a very close relationship to begin with. You have many times lifted and inspired me....and continue to. Sending love...
    Elisabeth Gardner

    P.S. Sorry so long!