Monday, August 1, 2016

First u/s and more HCG levels

First of all, I want to thank everyone of you for your kind words, comments, texts, emails, prayers and love. Please know although I'm not in a place emotionally to respond to all of them they have meant a lot and made me cry and realize how blessed I am. I read every single comment. Please know how grateful I am. 

So today draaaaagggged on. I called first thing this morning to schedule my u/s and had to wait for a call back.

Dr. Denson thought it'd be better to go to an imaging place with a better u/s machine and that way a radiologist could review the report.

So they sent an order and I scheduled for 2pm then realized I better see if they were in my insurance network. They weren't so I had to reschedule to EIRMC at 3:30.

Went and got labs drawn around 11 and Dr. Denson office called around 1:30 with the results. They are now 2,277---They more than doubled! I was shocked. So then I got hopeful... But I know better than to be excited since we've had our fair share of disappoint and loss.
Neal was able to go with me to the u/s and they did an abdominal and transvaginal. I couldn't see the screen during the transvag so I was looking at Neal's face trying to read it and decipher his facials--if there was any baby or any sign of pregnancy in there. I had nothing his face was confusing so I finally just asked. Is there anything in there?

The u/s tech told us there was no sign of ectopic pregnancy (so that's good) and there was a small sac in the uterus measuring 4 weeks 6 days but she couldn't see anything in it. I asked if it could be a blighted ovum and she said it could but it could also progress. It's hard to say this early on.

Drove to Denson's office since they wanted to see me after u/s and spoke with my nurse LeAnn on the way there told her what they saw and she said the same thing it isn't great that I'm measuring behind but there is still a little chance things will progress. It's not super likely but we won't know until we keep checking. I asked her if it's possible to have a delayed implantation that would cause me to measure behind. She said not really because my first beta HCG was so strong. But she said to be cautiously optimistic.

Dr. Denson (well we saw his wife who is also an OBGYN) who went over the results and said that the HCG levels today with what they saw on u/s was what you'd expect and to do u/s next week to see how things go. But I should be 5 weeks 5 days so I'm measuring about a week behind. So foe me things still don't look great and I'm just planning for a loss so I don't get hurt as bad. Its a defensive mechanism. First I shut down, then I cry until I have no more tears, and right now I'm in more of an anger stage.

So that is where we are at. I go in for another u/s and lab next Tuesday and we will see if there is any growth or progression.

So here's to another awful hellish week of waiting in anxiety. Haha.

Still praying for our miracle. Although this all just stinks. I still know God is aware of me and loves me.

I prayed and pretty much cried all day Saturday that I would get a miracle and as I poured out my heart I prayed  I really don't think I can go through another loss again... and please I'm begging you, don't make me go through this....let us give Grayson a sibling....

I was able to attend a session in the temple Saturday and I opened to the scripture D&C 58:2-5 two times while I was there. So it has to be an answer right? I read it - and it honestly made me mad a little bit. I didn't want the answer that the time was not yet.  But as I re-read it I realize that God's ways are not always our ways and He truly knows what is best for us.

D&C 58: 2-5
For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.
 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.
 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
 Remember this, which I tell you before, that you maylay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.
So here we go another week down and another week waiting anxiously to see what's in store.  


  1. Those scriptures got me tearing up. I hope good news comes next week!

  2. Those scriptures got me tearing up. I hope good news comes next week!

  3. Hello :) you probably don't remember me I was Heather's age. Your post came across my Facebook page one of my friends have commented on it. And I read your blog. We to have suffered the loss of the sweet baby and have suffered threw some fertility issues. Our last son was actually a huge surprise. And to be totally honest are HCG levels Mirrored your numbers almost exactly as well as only seeing a sac in the ultrasound and measuring behind. We were pretty much given no hope and I was devastated. It is such a Sinking Feeling of the possibility of having another loss... We were given a miracle. Aside from a terribly terrifying pregnancy and an early birth we now have a perfect 16 month old baby now. I just wanted to let you know but I'm keeping you in my prayers and I truly believe in miracles. I've had the opportunity of being a part of two now that should have never been. I truly hope good news is to come to you and your sweet family
    <3 Shauna Harris

  4. Hand in there Angie. You can do hard things.

  5. I'm bawling Ang. You are incredible. You are so brave to share all this as you're going through it. I had no idea what a roller coaster IVF truly is! My heart is full of hope, faith, sadness, and anxiety just reading this - I can't even imagine all the feelings you're going through!! I hope you know it's okay to be bawling, to feel hurt, and to be mad! And I hope you still keep believing in miracles. I believe in them and have been praying like crazy for your sweet family. I hope this can be the time for a miracle in your life!! Love you!

  6. I am also grateful for your updates. I'm constantly refreshing your blog page to see if you've added anything. I'm so sorry you're going through this. One of the hardest things for me to understand is why procreating is a commandment and so many (good) people are not able too....and so many (not-so-good) people are able too. Still, after all these years, I still struggle with that and probably will until the next life. But I remember when we were going through all of our IUI's and then all of our adoption ups and downs, begging Heavenly Father to just please help something work out so we could give our son a sibling. I had a really hard time with the age gap that was developing with each year that passed. He is now over 7 years old. But with all that begging and pleading we are still waiting and now hoping that IVF will work. (We're still waiting for our first transfer) But if we go through IVF and it ends up not working I will know that we have tried literally everything in our power to increase our family...and if it doesn't work then were going on a vacation. :) I'm praying for you as well. <3