Monday, June 27, 2016

Infertility treatments 2009-2013

2009- After losing our son we were heartbroken and discouraged. It was a dark and depressing time for me. I couldn't understand why after finally being blessed to get pregnant that I wouldn't be able to raise him in this life. I knew deep down this was the Lord's plan for me and my family and I trusted Him. So onward we went.

My OBGYN Dr Akerman said we could try to have a baby again after 6 weeks . We decided to not actively try but we wouldn't prevent it by using birth control and such.

Nothing happened month after month after month.   Around 6 months I finally felt somewhat emotionally stable to try again and  went back on clomid and metformin.

It wasn't working after several months so we tried Femara which is another medicine to help you ovulate more  but that also did nothing. I did one more round of clomid/ metformin and  in December I had a positive pregnancy test. I was thrilled and couldn't believe it!  But the very next day I started bleeding. The doctor said it was a chemical pregnancy.  I wish I would've just waited to test so I didn't have my joy dashed by seeing the pregnant result and then to just lose it all the next day. It was so close within my  reach and then it was gone.  This was as far as Dr Akerman could treat so we decided to move onto an infertility center.

2010-2011 I went to the infertility doctor Dr. Lee in Brea California and because we were on a limited income with Neal in school we couldn't afford to do IVF.

We did follistim shots (the same meds used for IVF) to get me to produce eggs and did insemination (IUI) along with this treatment.

This is what they do for IUI:

Cycle 1-I responded very well and had lots of follicles/eggs, in fact too well, the first month on this medicine and we had to cancel the cycle because of the high risk of multiple babies and overstimulation.

Cycle 2 - This round my body was a little slower responding to the med follistim but it still worked and we timed the trigger shot to release the eggs--one egg had already released and the others would shortly. We did the IUI and we were so hopeful. But we didn't get pregnant.

Have I told you yet how much I loathe pregnancy tests? Just typing it is giving me panic attacks with the racing heart beat and little sweats. I get this feeling every single time. 

Cycle 3- Everything seemed like it was perfect, plenty of eggs, timing of trigger shot and insemination was right on . We thought for sure this was it.We were going to get pregnant. First blood test result was a slight positive. We tried not to get our hopes up.  Then the retest a few days later to see if it doubled.... and it was a negative. I was done. I remember I was moping my floor when they called and just fell on my knees and bawled on that wet floor and tried not sobbing into the phone as I hung up. 

Fall 2011- Neal was starting optometry school rotations soon and we wouldn't have time or money to do another cycle. I asked Dr. Lee if he could give me clomid and  metformin to do while on rotations. He was so kind and agreed. 

I just felt I had to keep trying somehow-- even if this combo of clomid and metformin was hit and miss on when it'd work. I felt doing nothing would mean I had given up and I didn't want my future children waiting on me.

We moved to Hanford CA near Fresno for Neal's rotation at the naval base in October of 2011. I went home end of November through December to help my dad and mom while he went through an extensive surgery for cancer in his leg. So Neal and I were apart for a little less than a month.

I did clomid and metformin December of 2011 and after the holidays with the families we came back to Hanford and I didn't think much of anything and then my boobs//boobies/breasts (whatever you want to call them)  :) started aching and I was peeing more (which had happened before when my mind/body played tricks on me getting me to think I was pregnant and I wasn't)

2012- So I took the thing I loathe most and did a pregnancy test not expecting to see positive but it was! I remember kneeling down saying a prayer of gratitude for this miracle. 

I hadn't told Neal I was taking a pregnancy test because I thought it was one of those body/mind tricks. So I was excited to surprise him (which you never really get to do when you are dealing with infertility). I wrapped up the +  test in a box and when he got home from work I filmed him opening his "gift". He was shocked and of course a little mind blown and lets be honest a little grossed out that he was holding a peed on stick. haha.

I went to a free clinic the next day to confirm pregnancy so I could get on Medicaid and went to see the doctor the same day as I had some light spotting.  I asked if they would do an ultrasound but they said they don't in office and scheduled one for me the next day.  On our way home from the doctor I had a sharp pain in my side. We got home and I laid down to rest, I got up to go to the bathroom and had some blood and more shooting pain. I called the doctor and they told me to go to the ER. 

Got to the ER and had to wait to get in and I was in quite a bit of pain and had more bleeding. We finally got back and they took some blood and sent me to get an ultrasound. I couldn't see anything on the screen. I was wheeled back to my room and the doctor came in and told us the news. There was no baby or sac or anything in there. Just fluid. Labs confirmed high HCG and that I was pregnant. They were worried  it was an ectopic pregnancy and told me what to look for.  Again heartbroken and tears and lots more tears later and we were sent home. 

Neal was getting close to graduating in a few months and had a job interview in Spokane a few days later and he really wanted me to fly out there with him. My OB in Hanford was still worried it was ectopic and had me doing blood work  to check my HCG levels every few days to see if my levels were dropping or not. My doctor told me I probably shouldn't go to Spokane but it was ultimately up to me and if I had any fever, dizziness, severe abdominal pain to get off at our layover and go to the hospital ASAP.  

So I decided to go with Neal. I had contractions all day. Was on tylenol constantly and was bleeding. I was pretty miserable but was trying to support my hubster. Of course Neal was constantly asking me if I was ok and if I thought I needed to go to the hospital. I felt I was doing ok enough to keep on going onto the flight in Spokane. 

*Graphic details skip if you want* It was a lot smaller plane and I remember sitting down and just feeling a huge gush. I rushed back to the bathroom and as soon as I tried to sit down more gushing. I was bleeding quite a bit, it got all over the bathroom and I was trying to clean it up and couldn't find how to flush the toilet (I had never used an airplane bathroom before). I was panicked. I can't just leave it like long have I been in here? Will the people across the row be wondering what the heck I'm doing taking so long? 

I finally found the white button to flush on the side and cleaned up the bathroom and myself. But I had leaked through my pants.... now I had to walk back to my seat.... luckily the plane was darkbe cause it was night time and as I got back to Neal I just broke down and cried. I made it through the flight and took more tylenol. 

We stayed with my old roommate from college and her husband and drove to their house and chatted with them a bit and went to bed. As I was getting ready for bed I sat down on the toilet and there was this weird gray thing coming out of me. I pulled it out and  showed Neal. We searched google and realized it was probably the pregnancy sac. 

When we got back from the interview my HCG levels had dropped significantly and I was in the clear. We moved to Salt Lake City a couple weeks later for Neal's last rotation. 

Took a good LONG break from trying. 

Neal graduated from optometry school and we moved to Spokane in June 2012 (Neal got the job he interviewed at)

In July I saw a new OBGYN doctor for my yearly exam and went back on clomid and metformin. 

After that first month of it not working I was a mess. I just emotionally could not handle the negative pregnancy test and was depressed and Neal said "Angie we need to do something else I hate seeing you so sad" so we decided it was time to consider either Invitrofertilization (IVF) or Adoption.

Sometimes I really just think life isn't fair! But of course we all have hard times and trials that refine us. I wouldn't change any of my experiences, heartaches and loss for the testimony and faith I've gained in Heavenly Father's plan for our family. Of course I still feel shakey in my faith now and then especially as we get closer to IVF # 3 but deep down I will always know Heavenly Father LOVES me and His way will always be better than my way. 

1 comment:

  1. Wow Angie! I just love and miss you. Words like the hubster make me think of feet wiggles and then I just want to squeeze you with a loving hug. You are my hero!!!!! I hate infertility - and you have been through the ringer with your experiences. I'm so sorry and saddened and upset that you've had to endure what you've had. Thank you for being so open and real with your experiences - I know it's not an easy thing to do. Reading your story brings back memories and feelings of my own experiences and feelings of infertility, Ivf, miscarriage, depression (and all the anger and bitterness and longing and hope that accompanies it too). I loathe pregnancy tests too. The small sweats and panicky feeling, haha it made me smile because I know what you're talking about.. What blows me away is your faith, because I haven't been as strong. You're a rock! It's so hard to not want to blame God for something that's completely not in your control. that you stay faithful with all you've endured is inspiring and empowering. You have all my love and prayers and hope for happiness my dear friend. I'm praying to all the things and using any luck stores I might have that this 3rd round of Ivf results in a successful (or two! 😉) healthy baby that you can carry full term and love on. I want nothing but the best for you girl!!!!

    Love you! Feet wiggles forever