Forgive me today this post will be more of a downer. It's a hard day. I just found out today that we are cancelling the transfer this month because my doctor just got the films and report back from the HSG (a test where they shoot dye into your uterus to check your fallopian tubes and if they are blocked and uterus for adhesion, scarring, or anything else abnormal in your down under :) ) I had the HSG done a month ago and things don't look good.
LeAnn (my nurse) said it's a hot mess in there-- lots of waviness (no idea what that means) which she said could be possible scarring from past procedures, previous loss, or past infection. So my doctor wants to do a hysterscope and D&C (not like the LDS scripture doctrine and covenants) :) D&C is for dilation and curettage-- where they go in and scrape out your endometrial lining. Hopefully this works so we can get good lining for transfer in July or August.
I'm super bummed. I was hyping myself up and getting hopeful for the transfer in a week and a half and I had labs and u/s this morning so when she called I thought it was going to be about the results of those and then she dropped the bomb. No transfer this month. I'm still trying to process.
I've already had lots of meltdowns and tears. I'm frustrated with the hundreds of dollars we have already spent on medicine, and labs and u/s for this cycle...that ended up being for nothing. And for gearing myself up emotionally and then not knowing how to handle the news we aren't doing it... I'm in shock.
So the plan for now is start Provera to have a period while continuing Lupron shot 5 units until next transfer and after the period do the hysterscope and D&C then hope things are ready to go by July or August for a transfer.
I have so many thoughts running through my mind I'm just going to spurt them out here and feel free to not read but I just need help processing all this new info.
The VENT.... again I'm kind of feeling Debbie downer right now so please be kind. This is how I deal with things by spouting the negative, angry, depressing feelings then I will pick myself back up and will continue moving forward.
Thought 1: My doctor in Spokane wants to do the D&C and scope himself since he wants someone very capable to do it and so he knows it was done perfectly to prep for transfer. Problem 1- My insurance doesn't work in WA and I don't want to pay a couple grand to have the procedure done there (We are finally house hunting after being married 10 years and that would probably cause us to delay that) Of course I want someone capable to do it but I think I can find capable doctors here or at least closer (SLC, Boise) that take my insurance. Problem 2- I don't want to drive 8 hours to have a procedure done.
Thought 2: So before I had the HSG done in March I had an endometrial biopsy like 5 days prior. I was bleeding some from that and so I called and asked the place I was having the procedure if that would affect the results and if I should wait. They told me if it wasn't much it shouldn't affect the test. I didn't feel like it was period bleeding but it was a little more than spotting so they said they think it would be ok. I went in and the radiologist said "You're bleeding more than I thought and more than is normal from an endometrial biopsy. so I will make note of this in my report and see if your doctor wants to redo the test." I found out later I was having break through bleeding on my birth control so as soon as I doubled up on my pills my bleeding stopped. If only they would've told me to wait to do the test when I called to ask. Did the bleeding affect the results that my doctor is seeing now? But what's done is done and I shouldn't focus on what's already happened.
So I asked my nurse would the bleeding cause the films or results to be abnormal? She said it shouldn't affect the results that much and that my doctor said the bleeding wouldn't be that disruptive but I still wonder...
Thought 3: I know 2-3 more months seems not too far away but when we've been waiting years to have another baby... the waiting seems like eternity.
Thought 4: (well I don't know if this should be categorized as a thought or more of just a tid bit of info) We paid for 3 tries and I never thought we would need all of them but as per usual I was wrong and I'm grateful we did pay for the 3. But the condition for the 3 tries was to do it within 18 months, or until a live birth resulted....well no live birth and the 18 months is up in May so do we have to pay extra because it'll be past the 18 months? <---I asked my nurse LeAnn this and she said that we won't have to pay extra and that because of the circumstances we will be able to do another transfer outside the 18 months (huge relief)
Thought 5: I am grateful we found out before the actual transfer because if it had resulted in another miscarriage I would be more devastated and then to do another transfer would cost thousands more since this is our last cycle that we've already paid for with the clinic in Spokane.
And DONE with the VENT.
I can do this. Today I'm choosing to be BOLD and BRAVE in sharing my negative feelings and thoughts. And you know what it's ok to have hard days and negative feelings. It would be weird if I didn't.
So off we go to move onward in this crazy journey to get the rest of our family here. And here are some amazing quotes that I found on Army of Helaman on instagram. Love them and the encouragement they give.